Words of Lizdom…Part Three

The lesson today is one I learned but do not always follow – I’m working on it though!  Know your limitations and accept them.
This is something I’ve been struggling with for most of my life.  Before I was diagnosed with MS and experiencing symptoms I didn’t understand, I chalked it up to just being lazy and weak.  Even when my body was screaming out for me to stop and rest, I just kept pushing and forcing myself to carry on.  If I gave into my physical symptoms and weaknesses, I considered myself to be lazy and incompetent.  Quite the self-punishing over-reaction, wouldn’t you say?  Now I know that my physical symptoms are due to MS, but my previous ways of thinking are often still there.  Fatigue is my most frequent and debilitating symptom – I KNOW this.  However, I often do not ACCEPT the limitations it places on me physically and sometimes emotionally and mentally.  I am determined not to let it defeat me and take over my life.  Even when the fatigue peaks and my body begs me to stop and rest, I am often defiant to give in and let the MS win.  Ok, so I’m half way through this lesson, and I am better than I was!  I am also very fortunate to have so many supportive and loving friends and family who help convince my mind that my body needs a break!  I try hard to hide my symptoms from those around me, but apparently everyone who knows me at all can see through my act of feelin’ fine!  I’m always so afraid of what other people will think of me if I give in and slow down or stop altogether.  They’ll think I’m weak and just making excuses.  A recent example is the difficult decision I made to cancel the meeting I had scheduled tonight.  It took me over two hours to get up my nerve and phone the woman running the meeting, to tell her I just couldn’t make it tonight because I had a really bad day fatigue and strength-wise.  I’m still going on about it in my head – all I can focus on is how she must be thinking how I let her down and I’m really not serious about the project the meeting was for.  I’m embarrassed and I feel like a disappointment.  People around me at work noticed how run-down and physically weak I was today, and also how upset I was this afternoon.  I told them that I made the selfish decision to cancel a meeting because I need to do what is best for me, and that was to rest and recuperate tonight.  They all said that I did the right thing and were happy to see that I finally gave in and did what was best for me health-wise.  I don’t see why the right thing feels so wrong!  Anyway, so this is where I am with regards to tonight’s Words of Lizdom.  I know my limitations but I am not quite at the point in my life where I am willing to accept them.  This is not helping me physically or mentally and is something I need to work on every day until I smarten up and get it right!  Get it?  Got it?  Good!

Today’s symptoms:  Very fatigued and weak.  My jaw was hurting quite a bit too.  I’m feeling physically and mentally deflated due to my decision to cancel my meeting.

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